Welcome to the blog formerly known as http://thedharmaexperience.wordpress.com/. Due to reasons I am opting not to discuss here, I have created this new blog home. I will be transferring all of my posts from The Dharma Experience to this new site and will be deactivating the old site. I was able to import posts from the old site, so check ’em out. Thanks for reading!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/assbach/280561228/
Photo by: assbach via Flickr
I recently had a major test when it comes to dealing with my anger, and I failed. I was having a conversation with someone and it escalated into an all-out verbal war. I lost my temper due to the fact that trying to have fruitful communication with this person is near impossible. Trying to be tactful and articulate is frustrating when being cut off mid-sentence, thus not able to produce a coherent thought explaining my opinion, and it evolves to the point of anger. Also add in the fact that when I do try to talk fast to get my point across, I start to stutter, resulting in mockery by the other person, fueling that anger more. Unfortunately, the Dharma went right out the window, and instead of exercising wisdom in dealing with this person, and practicing mindfulness, I drifted off the path.
Photo by: kausthub via Flickr
I decided it would be a good idea to meditate on loving-kindness, and develop the intent to be loving, kind and mindful even in times of being walked on and insulted. I am the one in control of my reactions, and it is my responsibility to respond with the proper attitude. Nobody else can control the words that come out of our mouths, it is up to us to be the filter from the thought to the action (word). I believe I learned from my mistake and will be using all of my conscious power to exercise mindfulness in dealing with this person and others with whom I may have similar encounters in the future.
If anyone has any words of wisdom, advice or techniques, comments are welcomed.
This is going to be a tough post for me to write.
Today marks the 5 year anniversary of the death of my son, who passed away a little over a week after his 6th birthday. His mother and I considered him a miracle child, as when he was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy, we were told that he would be lucky to make it to a year old. Well, he proved the doctors wrong by living 6 times as long as they thought, enduring all of that physical pain, yet being the happiest child I have ever seen in my life. As a parent who has lost a child, I can tell you it is one of the toughest things I’ve ever had to endure, and still deal with it every day when I look into his twin brother’s eyes, and can see the pain of loss he still feels as well.
Now I’m not going to list out the whole “5 Stages of Grief” bullshit here and try to be self-absorbed and state that I have worked through all of the stages and have completely healed from this loss and “you need to follow these steps and you can too!.” This post is more about getting my feelings out of my head and on “paper” so to speak. People have different ways of dealing with grief, and writing about it happens to be one of the best ways for me.
This past week, my sons’ mom and her family and I met at the cemetery to have a makeshift party for my boy. We had my other son (his twin “C” as we call him) release balloons into the air for “Bubba” and we sang “Happy Birthday” and ate cupcakes. I was doing pretty good until we got ready to sing and my son started to break down and buried his face in my side, then I lost it. That was the hardest time I’ve ever had singing that song as I watched balloons float away.
It’s been 5 years and we still have not been able to get a headstone. His mom and I both haven’t wanted to do it because until now that seemed to be too much of a finality. Personally, I have been scared to read my son’s name on a headstone, and isn’t something I want to see. After discussing it with her parents, we finally decided it was time to go ahead and do it, so we have a marker where we can take “C” to visit and he will have something to look at other than a patch of grass. It will take 3 months, so I have time to prepare myself. It was the same sort of feeling when my father died. It took me a long time to go out and see the stone even though I had part in the design of it. For me, seeing a headstone in person is different than just explaining what to put on it.
So I apologize, I don’t really have words of wisdom to help deal with loss for anyone reading this. I guess I could say that if you are dealing with a tragedy or loss in your life, try writing in a journal or blogging about it and that might help. I know it helps me. The pain is still there, I don’t think it will ever leave, but it’s being able to constructively deal with it is what matters.
Rest in peace, Bubba. I love you.
2/19/99 – 2/27/05
I’ve been asking myself that question a lot lately: “Why am I here?” and “What the hell is my purpose in life?” I think about all that I have experienced over the years and sometimes get depressed that I haven’t contributed anything to the world, or to other people. I have focused too much on the negative experiences to remember the positive experiences. My intention is to be someone that helps others, and I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure it out. What skills do I have? What career could I start? What is my passion and how could I use this to help others?
So I figured out that the one thing that is part of my life when other interests (or things I felt I was passionate about) have come and gone: MUSIC
Since I can remember, music has been my passion and has been part of my life. My father was a drummer and singer, my mother plays piano and sings, so I started from an early age in music. I have realized that even though I wasn’t conscious of it at the time, my passion seems to be teaching kids to play music. I used to teach guitar to a boy with autism, as well as some other kids, I have coached the Stairway to Stardom program (a music program that puts bands together and they write songs and have a battle of the bands), with two of my bands winning, so I have recently realized that that may be where I’m supposed to head on my life path – my purpose. I think I’m supposed to somehow be involved with teaching children to play music.
So now that I have an idea of what I’m supposed to do, I would encourage you to do the same. Really examine what you have done in your life that you may not have realized what you could call your passion. Think of the coincidences of situations that have happened, or people you have met, that you may not have realized are really telling you what you should be doing with your life. It may not just be a coincidence, it may be a roadmap to finding out why you are here and what the hell is your purpose in life.
A couple of months ago, I found an awesome website called Becoming Minimalist and read the posts from various people about simplifying their lives. I knew I had to move at the end of the year, which I very much despise. I decided to apply the tips and tricks I learned from the site to simplify, thus making the move much easier. Now I’m proud (sort of) to say that I will be able to fit my life into a 10 x 10 storage unit, including my motorcycle. I’m proud of that because I proved to myself that I can be happy without owning so many material possessions. However, I am NOT proud about it because I look at the amount of debt on my credit cards I have accumulated and wonder how the hell I have so much debt and almost nothing to show for it.
This process has also been an emotional experience for me. Simplifying meant going through everything I own to determine what to keep, donate, give to friends, or to throw away. As I performed this process, I found pictures and other items that held so many memories my wife and I shared together. This move has been quite a challenge, not only physically, but emotionally. The simplifying process can remind you of good memories you had buried in the back of your mind, and it can also bring back bad ones, so I would call it a growing process as well. You can reminisce about the good times, and you can also deal with negative issues that you may have suppressed.
I have taken the first steps to simplifying my life by getting rid of a lot of “things” I don’t need. The next step is going to be simplifying my finances by paying off my debt. I know I’m not telling anyone something new when I say that debt is definitely a monkey on my back, and makes my life complicated. I don’t need complicated right now, I need to start over fresh by making my life simple.
I would encourage my readers (if there are any out there) to check out Becoming Minimalist for tons of ideas to perform this process if simplifying your life is something that interests you. I know it does me because this move is going to be MUCH easier, and isn’t that what simplifying is all about?
As I have been studying various principles on this spiritual path, I have learned a lot about letting go of the past. I believe that as we grow up, we are somehow conditioned to let what has happened to us in the past affect how we deal with the present time, as well as how it will affect our future. For example, if we are having a “discussion” or, hell, let’s just call it an argument, with our significant other, what is usually brought up? Things that happened in the past like “Well, you did that” or “you said this.” Does it really help the matter by dredging up old feelings for something that happened months or maybe years ago? Of course not, I believe it makes things even worse, because not only is the current issue causing negative feelings, but the negative feelings tied into what happened before are stacked on top and those negative feelings get multiplied. If I happen to be having an argument with someone, I have been striving to let the past stay in the past, so as not to make matters worse.
Another example of letting go of the past is losing someone. In 2001, my father passed away. Now, I know many people have lost their fathers, but what has affected me is the circumstances involved. If he had died a different way, I would not have taken it so hard and fell into the deep depression that I did. I still deal with it today if I happen to see, hear, or smell certain things that remind me of him (in particular the smell of sawdust, because he was a carpenter), but instead of immediately being sad, I have been training my mind to think of all of the good times we had building cabinets and remodeling homes.
In 2005, I also lost my son to cerebral palsy. When this happened, I completely went downhill, closed myself off to the world and alienated my family and especially my wife. I thought, “why me?” What, it’s not enough that I have to deal with losing my father, my son has to be taken away from me too? I had never been this depressed in my life. However, I have trained my mind to think of the positive. When my son was born and they found out about his medical issues, we were told that we would be lucky if he made it to be a year old. He made it to a week after his 6th birthday because he was a fighter. Every day when I think of him, I just think of the fact that not only did he exceed the doctor’s expectations, he exceeded them six-fold, and we were blessed with him that much longer in our lives.
These are some major tragedies that I have dealt with in my past, and I have had to let go. Yes, it’s still hard to deal with at times, I’m not discounting that fact. But I’ve learned that we have to remember the past, not dwell on it, and keep the focus away from the negative thoughts and toward the positive at all times.
As always, comments are welcome.
I wrote recently about changes I am making in my outlook on life. I was laid off from my job a couple of weeks ago, and until today, I honestly had no place to live after the first of the year. Initially, I was just stunned, considering the fact that I have recently become separated from my wife. The shock of that huge change in my life is hard enough, but then I was handed my exit papers and my world just sort of crashed. My attitude was that I had lost everything: first my family and now my job and pretty soon a place to lay my head at night due to no income.
But that lasted only a short time. Thanks to the knowledge I continue to gain from the books I’ve been studying, I have been able to change my mindset, and see the good in these situations. I know that there is a better job out there for me that will make me happy, and I can help people. In fact, I have a second interview tomorrow with a company that does just that!
The old me would be constantly worried and stressed about my current situation in life, but since I have decided to change my view, I have actually been very relaxed about it. I know in my mind that it will all work out in the end and I will be happy with the outcome. I have forced myself to not be depressed about this, because if I let the depression take over (and trust me this used to be easy for me) then I would fall right back into the trap of alienating the people around me who love me and truly want to help.
Thanks to my wonderful family, things have already started looking up, so it is true that if you change your view, you can change your life. Focus on the positive that can come from a negative situation. We always hear these uplifting quotes about positive thinking, but how often do we truly put those insights into our mindset and take action?
I would like to hear from you about how changing your view of a negative situation had a positive outcome!
In my first post on Happiness, I addressed a few key concepts that relate to being happy that I have learned from reading The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. It is continued here:
5. By practicing warmth and compassion toward others, we can overcome loneliness and separation, which are also sources of unhappiness. We can transform suffering to happiness by realizing that we are not going through something that someone else hasn’t already gone through. Suffering is a natural fact of human existence and by courageously facing our problems head on, we can achieve freedom from this suffering.
6. The process of change: Education (learning that negative emotions are harmful and positive emotions are helpful) ->Conviction/Commitment to change ->Determination ->Action ->Effort, which is most critical in implementing change. You must have the desire and willingness to make the change, and a sense of urgency is a key factor.
7. Develop patience and tolerance. Forgiveness is the product of patience and tolerance, and by practicing these, you can learn to let go of anger and resentment. Realize that the past is the past. Being angry about a situation does not change it, or resolve it, it only causes more suffering and unhappiness. Forgiving and forgetting are two different things. There is nothing wrong with remembering negative events, but learn to let go of the negative feelings associated with the event.
8. Love is the utter, absolute, and unqualified wish for the happiness of another individual. True love is unselfish.
In summary:
The Art of Happiness is understanding the source of our happiness and setting priorities in life based on the cultivation of those sources, using inner discipline to replace negative mental states (anger, greed) with positive mental states (kindness, tolerance, compassion, forgiveness). The Dharma, or virtuous states of mind, cannot coexist with negative states of mind. Training the mind to bring inner discipline is the essence of a spiritual life, cultivating positive mental thoughts into daily actions, which is the fundamental method of achieving happiness.
I would suggest to anyone who is going through challenging experiences in their life to check out this book. The insights contained within it are priceless, and if we can apply the concepts in our daily lives, we can make changes for the better, starting small and the potential for global change. In this day and age, there is a lot of negativity. To see it, all you have to do is jump in your car and drive for five minutes, and it will be proven by the amount of road rage on our highways. If we could all practice a little kindness and compassion towards others, it will be returned to us, because in my opinion, kindness is infectious. Want proof? Try opening a door and letting someone go in before you. It may not happen every time, but more often than not, when I do it, in general I get a smile and a “thank you.” Even if I am having a bad day, that immediately makes me feel better, and it makes me happy that I showed kindness to another human being.
Wishing you all happiness!
Metal Buddha 